I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

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sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.

whos laughing now?


Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.


I don’t understand the big hubbub about missing divers. They’re probably just underwater.


Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?



Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is “why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?”


please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that



Me: you know what being haunted is fine


Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.


Obama’s not stupid. If he’s spying, he’s going to do it through an appliance Trump actually uses: the tanning bed.