Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus