I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
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Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
favorite tropes as memes
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
You can’t rush stupid.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}