@thedadvocate01

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

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@GrumpyBahr

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

@OneSockFox

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

@JasonLastname

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

@anon_mommy

Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass

@E_lok44

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

@UGotMeRight

The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.

@JennSlowpez

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

@Darlainky

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.