I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

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Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!


Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it


A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.


Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass


Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.


ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you


The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.


I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.


Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.