@RidiculousSheri

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

@xLiserx

People who say laughter is the best medicine have clearly never tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

@SaraESpivey

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

@ArfMeasures

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
?????

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

@Adam14

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

@fizzlestothetop

Dogs: OMG YOU’RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!!
Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty…fill it..I’ll be on the couch.

@mattZillaaaa

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

@lyric_intent

[Man on Ledge]

Man: *shouting* I’m going to jump!

Me: *grabbing megaphone* DON’T LAND ON THE TACO TRUCK, I’VE ALREADY PAID FOR MY ORDER!