I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

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Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?


*sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart*
“hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?”


Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say “when” and starts grating cheese on my salad
I say nothing
Room fills with Parmesan
No one survives


[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss


Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*


A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.


Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?


“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins


Went off roading with my prius but ended up getting stuck on a bonsai tree in neighbor’s front yard