@RidiculousSheri

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

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@Dutch_50

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

3-year-old: A monster truck.

I don’t think insurance is going to cover that surgery.

@frogshack

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

@POTerritory

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

@gfoster18

Around 70% of the earth is made up of water, and the other 30% is filled with news articles about George Zimmerman

@Redfiascos

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

@thcmoonmvn

Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.

@SkinnerSteven

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

@laurajennyjo

Apparently trapping people in an elevator overnight (even if you have marsh mellows) not a good way to make friends, people are so sensitive