@ddsmidt

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

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@osno13

Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?

@theshantilly

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

@papasuncle

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

@ErikGators

Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it’s ok for her to talk to multiple cats.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

@CruisinSoozan

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

@Book_Krazy

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

@HenpeckedHal

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

@suecorvette

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.