I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

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Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?


“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant


The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.


Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it’s ok for her to talk to multiple cats.


Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad


Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.


Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828


ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?


Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.