Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
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“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
octopus: [gun in each hand]
feral hog: you’re 22-42 short buddy
Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it’s ok for her to talk to multiple cats.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.