I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.