I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

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Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now


“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”


Plumber: why are there nachos in your shower drain?

Me: why wouldn’t there be nachos in my shower drain?


God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.


What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.


I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!


Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.


Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.


I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.