@sarcasticmommy4

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

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@Phook75

Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now

@BrosConfessions

“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”

@DaddyJew

Plumber: why are there nachos in your shower drain?

Me: why wouldn’t there be nachos in my shower drain?

@yonewt

God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.

@starringmichell

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

@kelly__le

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

@Darlainky

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

@aimlessamers

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

@shutupmikeginn

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.