I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

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why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta


I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.


[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now


Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.


911: what’s your emergency

me: i think a girl gave me a fake number

911: omg who answered when you called it

me: you did


Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.


7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead


I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.


Doc: I’m afraid you got 6 months to live
Me: Why are YOU afraid?
Doc: I’m not
Me: You said you were
Doc: I lied. You got a month. HAPPY NOW?