@FancyNancyAnn

I’m at my most gymnastic when I’m trying not to touch the toilet seat, sink and door handle in a public restroom.

I’m at my most gymnastic when I’m trying not to touch the toilet seat, sink and door handle in a public restroom.

- @FancyNancyAnn

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@tastefactory

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

@MichaelLarrick

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

@Fickle_Filly

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

@sadmonsters

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

@lenigs17

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

@JaneBadall

My twittercide will be like the final scene in BraveHeart but a doughnut will fall from my hand in slowmo instead of an embroidered hanky.

@TheHyyyype

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

@iwearaonesie

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

@KyleMcDowell86

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

@rabiasquared

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE