Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
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My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.