I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
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If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say