Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word