I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.