*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
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If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Catercrombie & Fish
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”