I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.