Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
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white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
He’s cranky this morning
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Attacked by a mop.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!