I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.