If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
no!! no!!!!!!
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW