I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
You Might Also Like
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??