I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.


Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.


Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.


Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep




Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.


Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.


Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.


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Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.


*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter