@thequeensheart

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

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@missteenussr

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

@JimmySelfDest

Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.

@agathagotstoned

Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.

@Izianikapani

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

@SardonicTart

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

@OverlandParker

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

@bornmiserable

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

@stevevsninjas

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter