Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

I’m crying im so happy for them

my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”