I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
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Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”