@peaceintruth1

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

You Might Also Like

@OctopusCaveman

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

@DianaH1314

Someone just told me they had “too much sex” this week

1. No such thing
2. I hate you

@briangaar

The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him

@jwoodham

Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.

@david8hughes

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

@OctopusCaveman

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

@BuckyIsotope

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

@TheBoydP

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

@ch000ch

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath