I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

You Might Also Like


You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums


Someone just told me they had “too much sex” this week

1. No such thing
2. I hate you


The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him


Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.


I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account


People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something


If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”


Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?


a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath