[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
ME: f-in A7510
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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Doctor: How’s your headache?
Patient: She’s out of town.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Except you, cauliflower, you have to pretend to be other food.
My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*