I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
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Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Every damn time
Make new friends? bro out of what?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what