@GoldenSpirals

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

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@donni

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

@scottdedalus

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

@OutOfLeftField_

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

@ZachNoeTowers

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

@sarahmcgphoto

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

@TheKrisWilson

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

@Jake_Vig

Whoever keeps dressing our president in golf clothes and putting him in golf carts, please stop, he’s trying to make phone calls and work.

@TheIntComShow

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes