I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.


Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?


Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.



“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”


“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”


Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.


1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.


A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.


Whoever keeps dressing our president in golf clothes and putting him in golf carts, please stop, he’s trying to make phone calls and work.


I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes