Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
You Might Also Like
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
my nickname in college
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.