I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
You Might Also Like
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Simple
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
At Walmart during the holidays like..