@SamanthaaaReece

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

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@PickleRudd

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

@Ristolable

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

@PowKapowBoom

If I get kidnapped, I’ll sing Christmas songs until they hang themselves.

@kylamb16

“Cats typically sleep 16-20 hours per day.”

Yes. Hi. I’m interested in the position.

@GrantTanaka

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

@AngelaEhh

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

@Shade510

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

@bourgeoisalien

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

@Tmoney68

A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.