I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

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I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.


[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job


If I get kidnapped, I’ll sing Christmas songs until they hang themselves.


“Cats typically sleep 16-20 hours per day.”

Yes. Hi. I’m interested in the position.


son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka


Just tried to put my seatbelt on.


I’m pretty.


When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.


pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”


A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.