I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
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My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Mission: Impossible
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
english majors be like furthermore