I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

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AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.


If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.


Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.


Anyone who says ‘they wish they could be a fly on the wall’ has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.


Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!


Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.


Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.


Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.


My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me


Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..