@Brianhopecomedy

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

You Might Also Like

@dave_cactus

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

@NBrianJohnston

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

@sammyrhodes

Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.

@Douchekevin

Anyone who says ‘they wish they could be a fly on the wall’ has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.

@TheAlexNevil

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

@Stap_Jr

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

@MichaelLarrick

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

@markydoodoo

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

@TomDaddario

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

@internetluke

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..