I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope