Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

Festive toon…

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”