I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
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Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.