@dadmann_walking

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

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@SomeChrisTweets

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

@SteveSuckington

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

@FredTaming

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

@gobmentcheese

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

@dshack8

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

@desi_princess

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

@rhysjamesy

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

@NYC_Blonde

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers