I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

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Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.


The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.


Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.


The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band


If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.


Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man


[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.


My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.


My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.