I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
You Might Also Like
this has to be peak English
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”