@dadmann_walking

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

You Might Also Like

@AskinWayne

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

@kimtopher22

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

@oldfriend99

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

@BigMedwards

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

@normwilner

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

@nyquills

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

@AlmightyBored

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

@beckyiniowa

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.