I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
titanic
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?