I’m at that age where my kids are old enough for me to let them know that the dog is my favorite child.
You Might Also Like
ME: woud u be open to adoption?
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I guess knocking on random dressing room doors in a department store and asking “hey, can I see how you look?” is frowned upon.