@girlontapas

I’m at that age where my kids are old enough for me to let them know that the dog is my favorite child.

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

ME: woud u be open to adoption?
HUSBAND: yes
[later, at the adoption agency]
ME: yes hi, i’d like to put my husband up for adoption

@theshantilly

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

@CherBear162

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

@Jake_Vig

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

@mommajessiec

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

@gitson_shiggles

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

@Jesssicle

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

@XplodingUnicorn

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

@jrza84

I guess knocking on random dressing room doors in a department store and asking “hey, can I see how you look?” is frowned upon.