I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
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5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
man i love columbo
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic