I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
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Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.