I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
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My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.