@lovemyboots111

I’m at the age where an “all-nighter” means I didn’t have to get up to pee

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@thatUPSdude

How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.

@TeaPainUSA

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

@JasonLight73

At this point you can get more Gas for your $5 bill at a Taco Bell than you can at a Shell Station

@SaeedFaridzadeh

Me: When I was a kid we had to wait a week to watch the next episode of our favorite show.

Kid: Is that because the Internet was too slow?

@novicefather

My 3yo just told me that he loves to make babies and I don’t know what it means but I’m terrified.

@DanMentos

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

@ArrogantBB8

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

@XplodingUnicorn

Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee.

The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.

@illuminatedwndr

I always like to keep $7000.00 on me in case I wanna stop at Whole Foods and get some fruit