I’m at the age where an “all-nighter” means I didn’t have to get up to pee

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How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.


Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.


At this point you can get more Gas for your $5 bill at a Taco Bell than you can at a Shell Station


Me: When I was a kid we had to wait a week to watch the next episode of our favorite show.

Kid: Is that because the Internet was too slow?


My 3yo just told me that he loves to make babies and I don’t know what it means but I’m terrified.


Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants


*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*


Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee.

The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.


I always like to keep $7000.00 on me in case I wanna stop at Whole Foods and get some fruit