All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg