How to pick up a woman at Walmart.
Very slowly and team lift with your legs.
I’m at the age where an “all-nighter” means I didn’t have to get up to pee
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Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
At this point you can get more Gas for your $5 bill at a Taco Bell than you can at a Shell Station
Me: When I was a kid we had to wait a week to watch the next episode of our favorite show.
Kid: Is that because the Internet was too slow?
My 3yo just told me that he loves to make babies and I don’t know what it means but I’m terrified.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee.
The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.
Ghost Hunters is a very special show
I always like to keep $7000.00 on me in case I wanna stop at Whole Foods and get some fruit