*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
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Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”