Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
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Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba