I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
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Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
lol
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.