I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now