I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
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Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance