I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
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Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.