@MahnkeaTaylor

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

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@juliussharpe

Dating is basically lying to women about how you like to travel.

@ArfMeasures

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

@LeBearGirdle

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

@trentistweeting

“doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!”
it’s ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee

@hazelmotes1

“Why does everyone hate me?” I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.

@iamspacegirl

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

@Its_Just_Reese

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

@pixelatedboat

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

@sarcasticmommy4

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.