Dating is basically lying to women about how you like to travel.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
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14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Me: do that but the opposite
“doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!”
it’s ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee
“Why does everyone hate me?” I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.