I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
My purse is deeper than some people.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.