Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
You Might Also Like
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
i think we should see other cousins
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀