@AmericanGent69

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

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@Jesssicle

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

@sweatsntopknots

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

@Quartzjixler

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

@zachbdunn

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

@ArfMeasures

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

@VerbsRProudest

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

@Ygrene

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

@juliussharpe

Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?

@bluebonetbabies

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.