I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
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I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.