I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”


Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me


Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.


Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something


Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread


When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.


Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)


Oscar Pistorius has the worst alibi ever. Who the hell would break into your house to rob your bathroom?


I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.