I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
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Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.