@lisaxy424

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

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@mela_shea

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

@Scigglez

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

@SJSchauer

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

@Tmoney68

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.

@mrjohndarby

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

@chuchugoogoo

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

@jenstatsky

Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work

@hermanntrude

It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.

@Freudianscript

When life gives you lemons…..

Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.