I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

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[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.


Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.


This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.


Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.


my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life


if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993


Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work


It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.


When life gives you lemons…..

Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.