I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
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Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast