I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

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[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen


In order to save space, Ricky Gervais & Seth McFarlane are both one guy now. Frankly, it’s been a long time coming


I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth


Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds


why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures


I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone I’m going to have to read it upside down.


If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.


If I drunk text you, please do not continue the conversation in the morning.

The sun is out. The birds are chirping. My common sense has returned. I’m now walking with the Lord.


I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.