I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

You Might Also Like


Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles


Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality


I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.


The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.


Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.


Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.


Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather?

Me: Muggles….


“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom


ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.


Cell phone.



Not at work.

This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.