@TheNYAMProject

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

You Might Also Like

@Gupton68

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

@EllaZee5

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

@samalmightysam

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

@beisswrandon

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

@heatherlou_

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

@LazyChank

Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.

@seancoleran

Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather?

Me: Muggles….

@batkaren

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

@dafloydsta

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

@vexroid

Cell phone.

Recliner.

Beer.

Not at work.

This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.