@TheNYAMProject
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
@Gupton68
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
@EllaZee5
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
@samalmightysam
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
@beisswrandon
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
@heatherlou_
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
@LazyChank
Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.
@seancoleran
Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather?
Me: Muggles….
@batkaren
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
@dafloydsta
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
@vexroid
Cell phone.
Recliner.
Beer.
Not at work.
This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell.