Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
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Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
🤣
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?