@Cpin42

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

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@PLATINUM2000

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

@_Tempo11

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

@MommaUnfiltered

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

@JillianKarger

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

@garrettn

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you’re on a diet.

@FrogAvalanche

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

@rhysjamesy

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

@QuickandSisi

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

@QuietPsycho

Advice from a 6 year old patient:

“You should wear your stethoscope everywhere…girls will really like you. You look smart”